Happy St. Patrick's Day

"Here's to a long life, and a merry one; a quick death, and an easy one; a pretty girl, and an honest one; a cold beer - and another one!" Old Irish toast

Yes, Bridget, the world's going the hell in a hand basket. But sometimes I just need a day off from the fray. Today's as good a day as any.

I'm Jewish, but they say everybody's Irish on St. Patrick's Day. My best friend is Irish, the oldest of 10. In her family, I'm considered the 11th.

My Irish credentials now established, I can proceed with the festivities and will expect no blowback.

In honor of St. Paddy's Day--and every other day, for that matter--here are a few comments about alcohol consumption.

Liquor manufacturers are putting the following warning labels on all alcohol containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting your ass kicked.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to mistake the bathtub for the toilet. This could be life-threatening if your wife is in the tub at the time.

WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcohol may Mack you tink you kan tpye reel gode.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

In my capacity as the mother of a college student, here's one more:

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

> Indubitably
> Innovative
> Preliminary
> Proliferation
> Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

> Specificity
> British Constitution
> Passive-aggressive disorder
> Loquacious
> Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

> Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
> Nope, no more booze for me.
> Good evening officer, isn't it a lovely night.
> Sorry, but you're not my type.
> What? No, I couldn't do THAT.
> No one wants to hear me sing.
> Tomorrow even *I* will think I'm a jackass.

And finally, have a very Happy St. Patrick's Day and if you drink, DON'T DRIVE!