3 Women - 15 Minutes Too Many
"Fame is proof that people are gullible." Ralph Waldo Emerson
Just as I'm about the take my first celebrity-freakshow-free breath in weeks -- BAM! The Runaway Bride speaks. POW! Paris Hilton elevates the art of the asinine to new heights. And ZAP! Terri Schiavo returns from the grave.
These vastly different women with varied impacts on society are all in the news, all at once. None but Terri (in her case, not by her own choice) deserved even one 15-minute spot in the limelight. But now we're being bombarded by their stories. And my gag reflex is working overtime.
The Bug-Eyed Bride
"I haven't had any comment about Jennifer Wilbanks from day one, and I still don't." Vicki Mason, mother of the Runaway Bride's finance
Who can blame you, Vicki? After what we've come to know about her, you must have cheered when she bolted in the first place.
And now the exopthalmic ex-fugitive has purportedly made a deal to make a movie about her life. Excuse me? What life? The local district attorney wondered why anybody would want to pay for "just a silly story." I'm with him. A clearly disturbed poor little rich girl trashed her fiance, family, friends and an entire town when the specter of her obscenely overdone wedding got too much for her to handle. Did she pick up a phone? Write a note? Ask Mom or Dad for a shoulder to cry on? Talk to her minister? Or her fiance, for crying out loud? No, she did the traditional spoiled-brat three-step -- she lied, she cried, she hied.
And except for said finance, family, friends and the town she bilked, who gives a damn? Well, apparently Katie Couric. Who bagged Jennifer Wilbanks for an exclusive interview and in the promo clips, appears to address her with such tender Oprah-esque sympathy I want to scream, "Yo, Katie, snap out of it! You're not talking to a military widow! This is just a dumbass rich bitch who's working the Big Con."
Judith Regan, president of the company that bought the rights to the tale said in a statement about Wilbanks and Mason, "Theirs is an unexpected and compelling story of love and forgiveness that has certainly taught me a thing or two." What exactly did it teach you, Ms. Regan? How to find the lowest common denominator and cash in on it? I hope Ms. Wilbanks uses the ill-gotten movie money to pay back her town in full. To step up her therapy. And to get some thyroid medication.
The Last Time I Saw Paris
"I don't enjoy going out anymore. It's such a pain. It's everyone saying, 'Let's do a deal! Can I have a picture?' I'm just, like, 'These people are such losers.' " Paris Hilton
Speaking of losers --and of spoiled rich girls-- I just don't get the nauseatingly overplayed celebrity of Paris Hilton. What is the appeal there? Why would anybody care about anything this airhead does, or says?
Did you see her appearance on Letterman? She twittered, she tittered, she hair-twirlled. Without any artiface-or effort-she managed to personify every Dumb Blonde joke you ever heard. She was so inane she made Jessica Simpson look smart. I don't know how Dave managed not to slap her silly, but I had to turn the show off -- she made me so angry I was afraid I'd throw something at the TV or kick the cat.
And now we're bombarded with news of the 25-karat engagement ring, the multiple weddings (yes, plural celebrations are planned), the fatuous feud with Nicole Richie and not one, but two television shows featuring Hilton women. I don't know about you, but I damn sure don't want to be a Hilton.
Though I have to say, when you hear Kathy Hilton interviewed, you realize it's not necessarily Paris's fault that she's so stultifyingly stupid. And in more news, she tells us she's planning to breed. Just what we need, propagation of a species already so imbecilic they're practically brain dead.
The Torture of Terri
"People should understand that sometimes individuals sustain massive brain injury that for which healing is not possible." Dr. Karen Weidenheim, chief of neuropathology, Montefiore Medical Center, New York
Speaking of brain dead --and of healing-- when will this poor woman and her family ever rest in peace? I truly hurt for the Schiavo and Schindler families. Both sides loved this woman, and both fought valiantly for their perception of her well-being. It's easy to be objective from the sidelines. It's far too simple to make value judgments without having to make those very real decisions. And it's nearly criminal to use this horrific saga to further personal agendas.
Which includes Michael Schiavo. The low-profile bereaved husband who stayed away from the spotlight while the circus whirled around his wife's family, is now, in a burst of relieved vindication planning to release actual photos of her withered brain. To what possible end? The autopsy report is out, we all know the outcome. Even the butinski Right wingnuts like Bill Frist and Jeb Bush have backed off. The medical evidence is clear, whether Terri's grief-stricken parents are ready to accept it or not. And her husband can sleep better knowing he did the right thing.
So why does he feel compelled to shove it down their throats -- and ours? That's the real tragedy of the whole sorry Terri Schiavo story. One family's private catastrophe became a public forum for political and religious debate. And nobody can seem to shut the hell up about it.
I swear if I hear another 15 minutes about any of these women, somebody's gonna get hurt.
Which won't be me, of course, as I share previous thoughts on the Schiavo story.