Borat Q and A
"I am MTVe SuperStar heer in US &A." Borat
Our friend Dan at Blinq has posed a challenge. Step in for Borat (Sasha Baron Cohen) and answer some important questions. I like nothing better than a good Kazakhstani interview. Here goes:
Q. We read that Kyrgystan, the country bordering yours, is the Switzerland of Central Asia. Is Kazakhstan Malibu on the Caspian?
A. Kazakhstan more like Miami Bitch, womens with monster breasts often being rided by mens with guns and tacky gold jewelry.
Q. You have many nomads in Kazakhstan. Do they need real estate brokers?
A. Hey, what a question. Did you ever see how well nomads they squat?
Q. How is television news in your nation different from that in the United States?
A. You don't have Starsky and Hutch.
Q. How do you get chickens in suitcase past the TSA inspectors?
A. We puts them in clear plastic bags.
Q. You’ve traveled across the United States. Which state is most like the Republic of Kazakhstan? Why?
A. Arkansas. Same language. Also, same custom to marrying your cousin.
Q. In your documentary you say that your country’s major problems are “economic, social and the Jew.” What are the United States’ major problems?
A. Tom Cruise, Brittney Spears and Michael Jackson. One of them is Jew, yes? Oh wait, Michael Jackson is Arab problem now. So letsa add Heelies.
Q. Would Mel Gibson’s cultural views about Jews would make him a viable political candidate in Kazazhstan? Could he beat Nursultan Nazarbayev? Could Arnold Schwarzenegger? Pamela Anderson?
A. Stoppit making jokes. Mel Gibsons is our President and Chief Religious Diplomat. You know him too?
Q. For a Kazakhstani, what are Pamela Anderson’s greatest assets?
A. She is smarter than your Presidente Bush. Also has nicer rack.
Q. Is it true that your nation’s most popular television show is “Kazakhstan’s Next Top Prostitute”? What is second-most popular show?
A. Gay's Anatomy. I think in tie with Dancing with Camels.
Q. In your nation you drive a horse-drawn automobile. Who is the manufacturer and what is the model name?
A. It manufactured by CBS. Called Mr. Edsel.
Q. In your documentary we see you washing your laundry in Central Park lake. Is it cleaner than Caspian?
A. Hey, water in Central Park toilets cleaner than Caspian.
Q. Does Kazakhstani humor travel to America? Does American humor travel to Kazakhstan?
A. Two Jews walked into a bar... hahahaha! Is funny both places.
Q. What is your favorite kind of sexy time?
A. You think I gonna say with myself? No, with a man called "Art" from Colorado who likes massages.
Q. What hair products do you use?
A. Drek, what else?
Q. What’s on your iPod?
A. Well itsa not Hava Nagila, baby!
Q. What’s are the main differences between American and Kazakhistani plumbing?
A. Americans very wasteful. Why needing sink when having toilet?
Q. Is true that you are in a program for addiction?
A. Addiction addischmiction. Borat hooked on love with any chickens who let him hanky panky.
Q. Do you support America’s war in Iraq?
A. Well, with Mr. Rumsfelder gone maybe now a fair fight.
Q. Caviar or fishsticks? Why?
A. Not liking fish. Prairie Oysters, baby. Put yin yin in Borat's yang yang.