Monday, August 15, 2005

The Chemistry of Government

"Skills are cheap; chemistry is expensive." Mal Pancoast

Cindy Sheehan's righteous cause. Not enough body armor for soldiers in Iraq. The pullout of Jewish settlers in Gaza. Starvation, terrorism, death, destruction and deprivation, at home and around the world. So where's the President of the United States? On an extended vacation.

I'm taking a vacation, too -- just for today. While I'm resting, here's a little something about The Chemistry of Government:

A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the most inanimate yet dangerous chemical yet known to science. This new element has been tentatively named "Governmentium."

Governmentium has 1 Nucleass, 1 Progun, 1 Friston, 10 Deputy Newtrons, 75 Isodopes and 224 Assistant Isodopes, giving it a DeLayed mass of 312. The 312 Particles are held together by forces called Morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called Peons.

Since Governmentium has no viable Electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it seeks to impede every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take weeks, or even months to complete, when it should normally take less than a day.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of four years. Without Electrons it will not decay -- instead, it will reproduce itself and undergo a reorganization in which some of the Assistant Isodopes and Deputy Newtrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time since each reorganization causes more Morons to become Newtrons, forming the larger group called Isodopes.

The characteristic of Moron-promotion into Isodopes leads some scientists to speculate that Governmentium is formed whenever Morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This is referred to as "Critical Morass."

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element which radiates an equal amount--or typically a greater amount--of negative energy, since it has half as many Peons but twice as many Morons and at least four times as many Isodopes.

When poked with a stick, both Governmentium and Administratium quickly adhere to the Nucleass and attempt to destroy as many Peons as possible.



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