No Revelations Please!

Larry Horricks,© 2005 NBC Universal [graphic added]

"They're baaa-aaack." Steven Spielberg, Poltergeist

It's Wednesday, and that means Satan and his evil minions are set to invade American homes again tonight through the auspices of NBC. I haven't seen the miniseries and I don't plan to -- in fact, we had declared our house a Revelations-Free zone. Or so I thought.

But one of us has gone over to the Dark Side. It's my fault. Last week I went to Florida to visit my parents, leaving my husband home alone in charge of the remote control. And Satan got him. I called at 9pm last Wednesday to renew our anti-Revelations pledge and was roared off the phone, "I'M WATCHING IT NOW!"

Frankly, I'm still shaken, and filled with horror and disbelief. How did this happen? My intelligent, well educated husband, passionate devotee of The History Channel, Law and Order, The West Wing and The Sopranos, refusnik of the highest order when it comes to satanic claptrap, has been sucked into the commercial vortex of Religion on a Rope.

And I'm considering ... well, do you know anybody who performs Television Exorcisms? If they exist, they're probably busy ridding husbands nationwide of Demon NASCAR or the NBeelzebubA, maybe even the Devil Does Dallas.

But I'm so desperate, I'll try anything. So I tuned into a Today Show interview this morning with actress Natascha McElhone, who plays the protagonist nun. But she was no help, her character's too busy trying to "intercept the end of the world." And when Al Roker asked her why she thought Revelations was a hit, all she could come up with was this bit of insightful pop psychology:

American television commercials are all about consuming and making ourselves feel better, so maybe we've reached "consumer saturation" and have "nothing more to sate our senses" -- and thus we're "looking for something more spiritual."

Oh please. Like we're going to find succor for our souls on NBC. Take me now, Satan.

Though I may be a lone voice crying out in the darkness, I'll say it again: No Revelations Here!

Don't call me at 9pm, I'll be watching CSI.