Being A Good Republican

“I like that about the Republicans; the evidence does not faze them, they are not bothered at all by the facts.” Bill Clinton

To be a good Republican you have to believe...

1. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host or a president. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.

2. The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing UN resolutions against Iraq.

3. Government should relax regulation of Big Business and Big Money but crack down on individuals who use marijuana to relieve the pain of illness.

4. "Standing Tall for America'" means firing your workers and moving their jobs to India.

5. A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multinational corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

6. Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.

7. The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

8. Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless you want to run for Governor of California as a Republican.

9. If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

10. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our longtime allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

11. HMOs and insurance companies have the interest of the public at heart.

12. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.

13. Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

14. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

15. Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

16. Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

17. You're opposed to torture when it's done to Jesus, but not to anyone else.

18. You support states' rights, which means Attorney General Alberto Gonzales can tell states what local voter initiatives they have a right to adopt.

19. What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what George W. Bush did in the 80s is irrelevant.

20. A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid national defense policy.