Monday, December 10, 2007

Office Parties, Damned by Diversity

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 10, 2007
RE: Gala Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place December 23rd starting at noon at the Grill House. There will bea cash bar and plenty of drinks!

We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time. No gift should be over $10.

This gathering is for employees only!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at the party!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,


Company Memo, Revision 1

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 11, 2007
RE: Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to insult our Jewish employees.We recognize that Hanukkah is also an important holiday. This year, however, Hanukkah will be over by Dec 23rd, so we will not be providinga Menorah.

We also extend our sincere apologies to those who celebrate Kwanzaa, which does not begin until after Christmas and for which the Grill House has no decorations.

So, there will be no Christmas tree either and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

And we've renamed our gathering "Holiday Party" to include all employees who are not Christian plus those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.

We hope this covers all concerns.

Happy Holidays to you and your family,


Company Memo, Revision 2

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: ALL Employees
DATE: December 12, 2007
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I didn't realize Muslims are opposed to drinking alcoholic beverages and do not eat pork. There goes the party!

Seriously, we are dedicated to accommodating all our employees' beliefs. The Grill House has agreed to set up a juice bar, excuse me,juice table, away from the main bar. Will that work?

I'm sorry to announce the gift exchange is cancelled. Union leadership feels that $10 is too much money and Management believes anything under $10 is too chintzy.


Everyone happy now?


Company Memo, Revision 3

FROM: Patricia Lewis, Human Resources Accommodation and Diversity Director
DATE: December 13, 2007
RE: Generic Holiday Party

Per the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this request,but you didn't sign your name. And if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only," you wouldn't be anonymous anymore..

How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? Perhaps you could just share the Muslims' juice bar, excuse me, juice table.

Other Concerns:

** I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet. Pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.

** Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have its own table.

** Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.

** To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House says that no cross-dressing is allowed, apparently because of concerns about use of the restrooms. Sorry.

** Yes, we will have booster seats for short, excuse me, Little people.

** Low-cholesterol food will be available for those on medication.

** I am sorry to report we cannot control the amount of salt usedin the food. The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.

** There will be fresh fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "sugar free" desserts. Sorry

** Atheists, Agnostics and Buddhists are all welcome at the party.

No religion of any kind will be mentioned. Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patricia Lewis

Company Memo, Revision 4

FROM: P. Lewis, Human Resources Director of Bullshit
TO: All Fucking Employees
DATE: December 14, 2007
RE: The Fucking Holiday Party

That's it! I've had it with you organic and vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not. You can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it.

You'll get your fucking salad bar, including organic tomatoes. Did you know tomatoes have feelings, too? They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!

The rest of you fucking weirdos can kiss my holly-covered ass. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,

Patty Scrooge, The Bitch from Hell !!!

Company Memo, Final

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Director, Human Resources
DATE: December 17, 2007
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery. I'll continue to forward your cards to her.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy December!


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