Boomer Barrage

"For most of my working life, I was the youngest person doing whatever I was doing, then one day I woke up and I was the oldest person in the room." Bill Clinton

What's going on here? Is today Geezer Day and I didn't get the memo? Why is my online world suddenly rife with emails and articles suggesting I'm older than dirt and falling apart?

The day started well. I got dressed for physical therapy (shut up, so I ruptured a disk this summer bending over to tie my running shoe, that could happen to anybody) and came to check my email.

I liked one from my niece explaining all the ways sex contributes to health, beauty and longevity. But maybe that should have been my first clue.

A small alarm when off while I was catching up on salon.com. An article called Stopping the hands of time, about plastic surgery for veiny, old-looking hands. Blech.

Then an age bomb email hit my inbox. Introducing the All-New AOL Good Life for the 50+ Generation. Inside, the very first sentence: There really has never been a better time to be over 50.

Oh yeah? Then YOU try it!

Jeez, who did the market research on that one? HEY, AOL: a good idea, but a bad intro. People over 50 don't want that number blasted in their faces. The only people who like to be called 50+ are the ones who are 60+!

I was just calming down when iVillage let me have it between the eyes. Clouding Your Future: Cataracts on the Horizon. Take me now, Satan!

The first sentence of the article explains I'm not really in immediate danger: Cataracts for All if You Live Long Enough. Phew, what a relief.

But iVillage wasn't finished. A list of videos, starting with Cancer 101, followed by Getting a Good Night's Sleep. Who can sleep if they're worried about cancer?!

Oookaaay. So I don't have cancer or cataracts ... at least for the time being. I even have legal drugs to help me sleep. One of the few really excellent Boomer Benefits. It made me smile.

Then a sniper attack from eMedicine. GERD Feature Series Newsletter. It's got words like endoscopy and barium in it.

I definitely didn't sign up for a newsletter on GastroEsophageal Reflux Disease, aka acid reflux ... aka severe heartburn. Which I am so getting from reading about all these Geezer Diseases.

Enough! Stop the Insanity! I'm not that freakin old!

AARP better stay away from me. I've got a Delete key and I'm not afraid to use it.