Friday, February 02, 2007

Delaware Valley Barbies

Mattel - Our Toys - Barbie

"One of my heroes has always been Barbie. She may not do anything, but she always looks amazing doing it." Paris Hilton

Forget groundhogs, let's talk Barbies. In case you haven't seen this email going around, it claims Mattel is announcing the release of limited-edition Barbie Dolls for the Greater Delaware Valley market. (Note to Mattel: this is a Joke, okay?)

Rittenhouse Barbie

This princess Barbie is sold only west of Broad Street in Center City. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog and a townhouse.

Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version.

Washington Township Barbie - recently moved from South Philly

This homemaker Barbie is available with a Ford Windstar Minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation. Still goes back to South Philly for doctors' appointments, shopping, bakery, pizza, weddings, funerals and manicures.

Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.

Camden Barbie

This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9 mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows and a Meth Lab kit.

This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash, preferably small, untraceable bills. Unless you're a cop, in which case we don't know what you're talking about.

Cherry Hill Barbie

This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership.

Also available for this set are Shallow Closeted Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.

Millville Barbie

This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans (two sizes too small), a NASCAR tee shirt and Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. Options include a six-pack of Bud Light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set.

She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she's drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.

Gloucester City Barbie

This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Millville Barbie's house.

Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails and a see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home.

Collingswood Barbie

This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow.

She does not want or need a Ken doll. If you purchase two Highland Square Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.

Paulsboro Barbie

This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.

Voorhees Barbie/Ken

This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken simply by adding or subtracting the multiple snap-on parts.

Franklinville Barbie

Pabst Blue Ribbon sold separately. 'Nuff said.

Hey, don't blame me, I'm just sharing this as a public service to the Barbie-buying community.

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